Have you ever had that unsettling feeling that a coworker is actively working against you? The colleague who mysteriously leaves you off important emails, speaks over you in meetings, or subtly undermines your ideas to leadership? It’s that gut feeling that something’s off, but addressing it directly seems risky.
One of our Optimism Library subscribers recently brought up this thorny situation: “What should you do when you feel strongly that you have a colleague who does not like you, they’re threatened by you, and you truly feel like they would connive to get you out?”
We took the question to Simon. Here’s what he said.
Is It Real or Is It Your Story?
Simon explained that this sort of workplace tension exists on a spectrum:
“Sometimes it’s misperception driven by our insecurities, sometimes it’s their insecurities, or somewhere in between.”
Before assuming malicious intent, it’s worth considering whether our perception might be colored by our own insecurities or past experiences. As Simon noted, when we’re in a certain frame of mind, we tend to find evidence that reinforces our existing narrative.
Making the Implicit Explicit
Rather than letting tension simmer beneath the surface, Simon advocates for a direct—but careful—approach:
“The best way to relieve tension is to make the implicit explicit—but without making accusations.”
The key is how you frame the conversation. Simon suggests a specific approach that focuses on your perceptions rather than their behavior:
“Have a conversation where you say: ‘Can I talk to you? There’s a story in my mind. I don’t know that it’s true, but I need to share it because it’s affecting how we interact. My story is that you’re out to get me, and I’m seeing things as evidence—like that email you left me off of or that meeting I wasn’t invited to.'”
It’s important to own your perception as a “story” that may or may not be accurate. You’re making it about your experience rather than their intentions.
“Make it about you and not them,” says Simon. “Because if you accuse them, they’ll get defensive.”
This way, you create space for a conversation rather than a confrontation.
Reading the Response
Regardless of how the other person responds, you’ll get valuable information.
“Most of the time, this approach will lead to a productive conversation,” Simon says. But even if it doesn’t, “If they get aggressive in response, you’re getting valuable data.”
An overly defensive or aggressive response might actually confirm your suspicions, giving you important information about how to proceed.
The Strategic Escalation
If the direct conversation doesn’t resolve the tension, Simon suggests a strategic approach to involving leadership:
“If needed and you have a good relationship with your boss, you might say: ‘I need advice. I’m struggling with this colleague relationship, and it’s bad for the company. I don’t know what to do.'”
This puts the tension on your boss’s radar without coming across as tattling or undermining your colleague. You’re positioning yourself as solution-oriented rather than complaint-driven.
The Toxic Culture Exception
There’s one scenario where a different approach might be necessary:
“If you find yourself in an organization with a culture of backstabbing, that’s a poorly led organization,” says Simon. “We’ve seen it at places like Wells Fargo, where fear drives behavior and good people do horrible things to survive.”
In truly toxic environments where unethical behavior is normalized, Simon’s advice is clear: “If you’re in such a toxic environment, you should get out before you do something you’ll regret.”
The Hopeful Reality
Despite the drama that workplace tension can create, Simon offered a reassuring perspective: “The good news is that truly toxic colleagues are not that common. Most issues are misperceptions.”
This reminds us that in most cases, what feels like targeted undermining might actually be miscommunication, different working styles, or even a colleague dealing with their own insecurities.
The Bottom Line
Workplace tension with colleagues is inevitable at some point in most careers, but how we address it can make all the difference in the outcome. By owning your perception as a “story,” initiating a non-accusatory conversation, and being strategic about escalation if needed, you create the best possible conditions for resolution.
And remember—while the occasional toxic colleague does exist, most workplace tension stems from misperception rather than malice.
Facing a challenge at work? Maybe Simon can help. As an Optimism Library subscriber, you’re invited to our exclusive quarterly Live Q&A sessions where you can ask Simon your questions directly.
