A friend was struggling at work and wanted some advice. So we went for a walk.
“My boss is a horrible person,” she started to tell me.
“Oh my god!” I replied. “Does she kick her dog and abuse her children?”
“No,” my friend responded, confused by my question.
“Ah,” I said. “So we don’t know if she’s a horrible person. All we know is she’s a horrible leader.”
We very often confuse someone’s skillset with their character. Indeed, my friend’s boss may be a horrible human being, or perhaps she’s operating from a place of fear or crippling insecurity. Maybe she’s in over her head. Perhaps she had bad role models as she moved through her career. All we can say for sure is that she lacks the skills she needs to be a good leader.
This is an important lesson.
When we confuse someone’s skillset with their character, we will treat them that way. We will act defensively or aggressively to protect ourselves or our interests, which may only inflame the stress, fear, or insecurities someone has. If it’s coping skills they lack, we may be the ones pushing all their buttons and making a bad situation worse.
In contrast, if we can have empathy for the fact that our boss may simply be lost, afraid or clueless, our attitude, words, and actions will change dramatically. How we show up will relieve tension and actually give us more agency in the relationship.
Of course, we hope that our boss will see how we act as inspiration. But we can’t count on that. All we can control is ourselves. In so doing, we build our own skills and actually become the leader we wish he had. After all, as I firmly believe, taking action to become the leader we wish we had is among the most powerful ways we can thrive in a difficult job.
